The fabulous irony of this cry and the self recognition of my demands for peace, freedom RIGHT THIS MINUTE, continues to strike a chord with me.
Over the years, my cool yoga friends would talk about their 10 day silent retreats, or their months of study in India, and boy oh boy I wanted that experience, but, never quite enough to make the time, make the effort. But, this Plan B walk is turning into a right fit journey for me.
I wandered last week into a meditation garden at a local church, and found this extended version of the Serenity Prayer hanging from a wall. This prayer forms a key belief in 12 Step programs, and with attention and intention, has helped me process so many parts of my life.
As my daily walks have slowed me down, and let me find some peace in my life, it does help to reflect on how much and how little control I have on my life.
My life's journey as a sister, wife and mother has given me many, many moments, years, decades to understand that I sometimes drive the bus, sometimes am the passenger.
I so much wanted to be in charge when Neal got sick, to find a cure, to get my husband well, and no matter how hard I pushed, how hard he pushed, after months and years of gruesome treatments, surgeries, clinical trials, with nothing working, we, both, in the same moment, and at different ones, had to look for a way to know we couldn't fix this, and moved to the hardest and easiest part of our lives together, knowing we had each other, not much time, and were as in love with each other as we had ever been. This was and is the serenity that helps me daily, and when I walk, and reflect on this man, the life and lives we created together, I have time to practice being at peace. And I will miss Neal Richard Ben Nachman Gorrin for the rest of my life.